For anyone caring for a loved one, Cindy Eastman’s latest book offers effective bibliotherapy—literature used to help improve your life.
True Confessions of an Ambivalent Caregiver: A Memoir in Essays is a 155-page book written during the years Eastman cared for her elderly, debilitated father.
“Ambivalent” means “To have mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.” Eastman never once doubted or regretted her decision to bring her father into her home to care for him. What made her an ambivalent caregiver were her moments of feeling fulfilled alternating with times of feeling resentful of her situation…or of him. Moments of peace alternating with rushes of anger at the situation, or at him, or, more often, at herself.
Eastman opens the book with enough backstory for readers to care about her and her parents. Then, the heart of the book describes situations that trigger thoughts and feelings that surely many caregivers experience but are often kept secret because of embarrassment, humiliation, or shame.
For example, she describes scenarios where her Dad creates a problem (such as by spilling something) or snips at Eastman while she’s trying to help. She knows her Dad is not trying to cause trouble and that it’s not his fault. And, that he’s frustrated by the problem, too. She wants to be kind to him and to refrain from snapping back. And, yet, what comes out of her mouth sounds snippy…and then she regrets it and feels bad about herself.
In other scenarios, she shares thoughts that arise because the only way her situation will get better is when he’s gone—unless she dies first. Eastman treats this charged issue with logic and grace.
In a way I’d not seen in other books, Eastman paints a picture that enables readers to see and sympathize with the struggles of the ill loved one while focusing on the needs of the caregivers. Brilliantly done.
Simply put, this is an authentic book on “the dark side” of caregiving. If you are trying to take good care of a loved one while wrestling with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, read this healing gem of a book.
As Healthy Survivors know: It matters less what you think or feel…than what you do with what you think or feel.
