When I was ill, sometimes friends tried calming my fears about my uncertain future by saying, Life is uncertain for all of us. I could get hit by a Mack truck. Offered from a place of caring, that comment may have helped other patients but made me feel more alone.
Whenever I was dealing with new or progressive disease, my challenge was managing my feeling the possibility of my death in a whole new way—i.e., my changed emotional experience associated with my long-standing knowledge of life’s uncertainty.
The problem was that highlighting the universality of life’s uncertainty normalized the fact that life is uncertain for everyone, but it did not acknowledge the differences in emotional impact of that fact depending on how threatened you feel.
Highlighting the universality of life’s uncertainty
normalizes the fact that life is uncertain for everyone
without acknowledging
the differences in emotional impact of that fact
depending on how threatened you feel.
People enjoying good health knew they could get hit by a Mack truck but weren’t distracted by or anxious about that possibility. They weren’t feeling the uncertainty. Note: If my comforter were talking with me from a cell phone while driving on a highway with an out-of-control Mack truck weaving in the wrong direction ahead of them, then we would be have a meaningful shared experience of trying to manage life’s uncertainty.
A healing approach for comforters who are enjoying good health is:: Listen. Acknowledge the divide (I don’t know what that is like). Reassure them that you’ll be there with them and for them whichever ways you can.
Suggestion for Healthy Survivors who are not comforted by the Mack truck message: Respond whichever way works for you at the moment, whether by letting it go, telling them it’s not helpful while offering a helpful alternative, or anything in-between.
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